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my birthday was on wednesday. some people actually didn't think about it or something like that. but some did (: here's what i got, yo:



.pato: birthday card, a dog [because i said i miss spike], candy [a late nite snack because i'm too lazy to get up all the time], little soldiers and indians [even though you have to grow up it's always nice to be young and have fun, especially when times get rough], a betty boop dvd [to make you laugh] and a my chemical romance lp [hele...., what?]



.mom & dad: cell phone with $90, teddy, $60

.krista: $30 for shopping [half my pants]

.kyle: brownies, fun world

.darius: picture

.lars: nine inch nails cd





.birthday cards from: tomas, maddie, my german family [and lots of money, shopping money (: ] and jessi

we didn't really do anything for at my actual birthday. i was supposed to go out with kyle, florent, leena, paddy and some other guys but then we didn't do it and mom and krista just made apple crisp [oh my god, that's so fuckin' good] and had 17 candles on it. so we ate cousin's subs and then the apple crisp. well, i went to bed real late because we didn't have school thursday [neither on friday] and i couldn't sleep. so i was on the computer.

the next day... surprise.... [to be continued]
1.11.05 05:50


it's weird. i'm so happy but things are making me sad. i miss it. i always have to think about it. i want to cry, all of a sudden. it hurts so bad. i know that it would be better not to think about it. i should better not care. but i can't. i will always remember it. and yesterday... somehow it made it even worse. it was such a great day again. trick/treat with pato, mario, derek & jessi. after that we drove to ryan's and walked around in menomonee falls with ryan, ryan [the nice one (;], mike and two other guys. we called 'pole'. that's scary. anyways. i saw them holding hands. derek and jessi. hm. ok. i try not to care about it.
pato broke up with his girlfriend again. at least that's what he told me as i saw the pictures of him and his girlfriend. i do not really care though. maybe it would be better if they were still together because sometimes pato seems to be too sad and that makes me really sad too... ):
1.11.05 23:04


you're still making me sad. i tried. i tried so hard. i'm sorry. i just can't help it. i know it's not even your fault. i decided. i didn't even decide wrong. it was right. but it makes me sad anyways.

well, i hung out with pato again. oh, such an amazing guy. he asked what i'm doing today. i said i don't know. probably be bored. 'you're not doin' anythin'?' 'no.' 'you're just bored? sittin' at home, doin' nothin'?' 'yesss. do you want to ask me if i wanna hang out today?' 'hehe, yea (: ' 'alright, i guess we're hangin' out then.'
yea, after school we walked home [about 15 minutes, like he told me the first time (; ] for about 45 minutes. then watched a music dvd [we don't like atreyu] and went out for dinner at china kitchen. he payed for me even though i didn't want him to pay. after that we went home again and just lay on his bed and listened to some music. the day was so much fun again. at 6 he walked me to school again, i rode his bike.

we had open gym for basketball and it sucked (; i'm really bad in it, at least compared to the others. and that's what our coach told paddy and me at the end. leena could maybe make the junior varsity because she has experience. but paddy and i are totally new and we could maybe make the freshmen team but he didn't know if we would want that and if we could make it. but we were always welcome to come to practise and be a manager. like i said practise is enough for me i do not neccessarily need to play. that's fine. but maybe i'll just stop with basketball and go on the gymnastics team. i'm not sure yet.
3.11.05 05:25


it was [almost] only you that made me happy those last days. it was only you that i cared about. and now it is still you. it is you that keeps me away from letting it happen. from getting my mind free again. i cannot keep me away from thinking about you. you are in my heart and ever will be.
there are other people now. more. they care about me. i care about them. they make happy. they have never made me sad. they are fun. they are amazing. they are adorable. they are special. they are what i needed. they are what i was looking for. i do not know them as long as i know you. but they are already in my heart. they are the most important reason why i want to stay. i do not want to lose what i was always dreaming of. i do not want to go.

i just think you should know that i miss you and that it hurts. you are a reason to come back.
3.11.05 22:46


ok, now i have time to write about last week. thursday morning [10-27] i was sitting in the basement in front of the computer and suddenly krista called me and said that my friend is here. oh my god, you can't be serious. i ran upstairs and there was kyle. well, that wouldn't have been too bad if i hadn't been still in my pyjama. so i ran up in my room, in the bathroom, brushed my teeth and turned on my pants and a shirt and ran down. then kyle and i drove to his house and we drove to fun world with leena, dan, jenny, angela, florent, paddy, jordan and 3 or 4 german exchange students. you can play games and laser shooting. it's more for little kids. it was fun though. but i guess it wasn't worth the money. then we ate ice cream [sooo good] and we drove back to kyle's and hung out there until we left for the haunted house. the line was so long and it was way too cold to wait there the whole time. after 1 or 2 hours we finally got into the house. i had to go first but it was really scary so we changed positions and greg walked first. it was all dark and the people scared us. everybody was screaming when something suddenly came out or we heard a loud noise. in one room i had to lift up a bed even though i did not really want to. and then suddenly something came out and after that i had to go first. it was so dark, i couldn't see anything. not even my own hand and i was really scared. it was so much fun (:
after the haunted house we went to greg's and started to watch 'white chicks' [i'm not quite sure though].

on friday kyle picked me, paddy and florent up because we wanted to play soccer with the exchange students and some other people. so we drove to kennedy middle school but didn't really play soccer ): maybe we played for like 30 minutes because after a few minutes nobody wanted to play anymore because they were so bad. then we just did some weird stuff and at 4 kyle took florent, paddy and me to leena's house. there we changed and at 6 we went to pick'n'save to buy the things we needed to make dinner. it was mostly leena & paddy who were cooking. florent, kyle and i tried the food, cut it [well florent didn't do anything but crap] and had fun doing other stuff. the brownies we made were the best of the dinner (:
at 9.30 we left for bowling. the bowling center wasn't as nice as the one i went to with carrie and melissa. but it was more fun this time (: i was second place the first game. the next 2 games weren't that good though. we played until 1.15 and after that i was really tired.



be excited. the next thing i will tell you about is the halloween massacre. bad things happened. look forward to it.
6.11.05 05:41


hope. dreams. whatever. 'you can do it.' yea, if you really want to. but maybe you don't. liar? you could at least try. not even that. you don't do anything for it. words. what do they mean. anything? maybe nothing. probably. you make me happy and sad. you make me smile and cry. you give me hope to destroy it in the very next moment. for what reason? on purpose? are you just afraid? whatever. maybe you should just leave me alone. just for a little while. maybe i can destroy those dreams by myself.

.i just like to write.


sooooo... my weekend was nothing special. shitty. boring. lonesome. ha.




but i was talking with pato on the internet friday night. he's a reallllll friend. i can talk to him about EVERYTHING. i can tell him things i've never told anyone. i can trust him. we can make fun. at the very next moment we can talk seriously. he is there for me when i need him. i can rely on him. and he can rely on me. he makes me smile when i'm sad. he is listening. he is interested. true friendship.




'aw, my nose itches.' ha. (:
7.11.05 04:38


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